My disappointment is WHY do people who call themselves models continue what they "do" if they don't model? I've talked with a few "models" in the immediate Bay Area but all those have disappeared ~ lack of seriousness, lack of maturity, lack of intelligence or just plain stupid individuals who think they are models, but disappear faster than a fly upon sh*t. It gets depressing.... most of their emails don't even consist of more than five words... lack of intelligence?
Yes, I forget sometimes that some people sell themselves... yuppy, it's just like being a prostitute - except sex is not involved.... sometimes.
I'm not a whore for that blood money. I create my arte, and I have a strong passion for arte and photography that drives me and my everyday life. Unlike these whores who think of money and how much they can get each and everyday, I think also think of money... the lack of money that keeps me away from doing what I want to do... prevents me form enjoying the pleasure of photography.... and to leave this cruddy place I used to call my hometown.... so beautiful and yet so depressing to be here not because I want to, but because I have to due to my lack of money. I'd love to depart the company of those here who lie to your face, who invent tales of their lovely lie.... who sell their skin not for the passion nor for arte, but because it's an easy job and they haven't the skills nor brains to do anything else decent to earn them a living.
These persons don't see the arte; they think only of money. They don't grasp the opportunities... thinking only of that money. I wish others would see them for what they are in reality, and not work with them, but nooooo, these whores make more money in a day than I have in the past few years combined! sigh
I guess I'm guilty of that stupidity also, because I have decided for more than half my life to devote myself to a profession that doesn't earn me fame, nor money, or satisfaction. I instead am mocked by these money whores and other "photographers" for the fool I am... doing something I love and cannot live without, for pennies if I get that at all. I even have relatives who think I shouldn't be paid, saying "oh, you're an artist ~ you don't do it for the money..." Often I give away my images... (get turned down all the time) and sometimes ~ oftentimes ~ that even backfires on me!
I should kill myself and get it over with... nobody will care and nobody will miss me. People all over the world think of money..... I wish I could be more like them..... but I cannot.
I listened this morning to a perspective on the local public radio about a young man living in an area of SF that isn't too good. I was driving through morning traffic as he described how he just moved to the area when he was mugged one night while walking, and how that same day there were five shootings. Then he painted the scene of how a black man with a flat tire on a bicycle made of pieces of other bikes appeared as he had his garage door open..... he perfectly explained how he distrusted the man, thinking it was a ploy to steal from him, how he regretted assisting.... BUT he did. At one time he says, he had to go upstairs to get something and he didn't want to leave his garage door open, with all his things there. He asked this unknown man to "watch" his stuff while he was gone. Amazingly, that man was still there waiting.... and so were his things inside his garage. Finally, he explained how by helping this man, that black man had helped him too.
It doesn't make a difference what the color of our skin is, or how much money we make in a day or a year.... or the type of clothes we wear... we all need a kind word or a hand sometimes.... it's that personal touch that keeps us whole.... makes us human and different and unique.
I feel I have been cheated... of many things: my life, my photography, and many more things I won't discuss here. Sure I have more than the usual homeless, but I have been homeless before, and I have slept inside my car for days previously. The experience doesn't make me a better person but still..... I feel cheated of what I should be enjoying but cannot. But nobody cares.... and why should anyone care?
As of 29 August, that stupid MYSPACE page has been deleted. I thought that would help me find some serious models, but that was a stupid thought...
As of 1 September, I have started deleting albums and many images at my fototaker.net and by the end of September, that site will be gone too. The domain will just point somewhere else..... who knows ~ or cares ~ where.....
I help many strangers on a daily basis, but few if any ever help me.
And if I kill myself, what will happen to my apartment in Spain.....
Won't I be the lucky one to die finally and end this solitary misery?
Each day rests our individual destiny in simple steps. If we take a short step, it will guide our future and the rest of our life differently than if we were to take a longer stride in another direction.
I wonder which step will take me out of my misery.... if ever.
1 comment:
I admire your honestly, there is much truth in what you speak but you do not wish to be like these money whores! No –do you think they are happy when they lie and deceive you and me. Remember they also lie to themselves. I often wonder what goes though the mind of someone who speaks so much S*^t when the put their head on the pillow at night. They know the live a lie. (Unless they are totally brainless, of course ).
Maybe you have been searching too hard for like minded people or looking in the wrong places.
An unfortunate fact of life is many people are only kind if something is in it for them. People can take advantage of one’s kindness too but that doesn’t me we should stop or change. I myself continually give to people that seem to step all over me, it is who I am .I need to be true to myself above anything else even if it does bring an element of sadness and disappointment at the world and the people who belong in it.
The world has no chance at being a better place if you just give up.
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