The fog is in and breaks my annual new years' routine of photographing the last sunset of the year, to be followed by capturing the first sunset of the year. As I type this, I am waiting to enter the cold outside to photograph the fireworks near the Ferry Building... little will that do to make me smile as I'll probably be alone... as always.
But sometimes it seems as if the world and Nature is against me. I seem to always be fighting against everything and everybody, thence I gain no ground, yet make no headway. If it looks good for now, don't worry it'll be bad soon, and if it's bad, it'll get worst.
Many years ago while I still lived in Spain I didn't know if I would live another year, let alone another month. When everything looks so down that there is no sky, no hope and no light... the future looks dim. Things haven't much improved, so I still have that lingering thought to keep me company... seems the only sure thing I have keeping me company these days....
It's strange that often I look to and photograph the sky... and while I see the great clouds against a blue sky, it makes me sad.... At least I have my upcoming trip to look forward to... but that is a lot of work alone.
Have you ever thought that Life would be a burden? Ever thought that it's so much easier to just step off that pavement and close your eyes for a split second? Go ahead, nobody knows you, and nobody will care.... the street will be littered with your lifeless broken body and splattered blood for just a few hours, then Life will continue as if you never existed. There might be a mention on the news but nobody will hear it.... or take note.
It's so easy to just do it.... to take it away... throw everything to the wind and die. I've considered it many times, even as recently as a few weeks ago. It's amazing how someone else's anger and hatred can influence another, and drive you to the brink of death.
I do know one thing: nobody will mourn this person should I die. Nobody will care and I will be a forgotten nobody in minutes, if not seconds. Sigh....
It's so easy.....
It'd be a great way to start off the new year!!! Doesn't seem to look like my future will be any brighter....
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2 comments:
I have been to your blog a few times, you do take wonderful pictures. both times I have read your posts you have talked about taking your life. I am sorry that you struggle with this. I too have struggle with depression and had thoughts of ending a life, even when there is so much to live for. I was able to overcome this with some medication as well as soul searching and coping. I am sure there are many people who know and love you. When we are at our lowest we tend to seclude ourselves from those people and that only allows us to sink lower into the self pitty that drug us there in the first place. The new year is waiting, and it could end if you wanted....but just think about the adventures and each struggle that brings us a new lesson learned and new perspective on life. Life is what we make it.... I do now know if you are religious but whether you are or not, there is a God in heaven and a Savior who died for all of us that we might live, and return to live with God again. He is all around us and waiting, and if you ever need to talk he is always there listening and he loves you. HE LOVES YOU! take care and I do hope you have a wonderful new year.
Thank you much for your words and thoughtfulness. I apologize for being so tardy in replying: I never knew I had to approve ALL comments to my blogs! What a surprise!! I am still very alive. Thank you again!
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