thoughts and more

I've been driving around a lot, trying to see as much as I can before I leave to live in my spanish apartment next year. In the past weeks I've driven to Big Sur, wound my way to gorgeous Fremont Peak State Park, and have a lot of weekend trips planned for the months to come. I can now even say I went to the Gilroy Garlic Festival and though it seems more like a commercial convention that just happened to have garlic stuff on grassy dusty fields, it was enjoyable up to a point. I've seen a lot, more than I ever have of my home state, but I want to see even more before I depart.... Yet another long week in Eugene next month gets me some more funds to add to my "get Tony to Spain" pot, and have extended the trip a few days so I can see some places in the Northwest that I never was able to see while living there. These little trips are memorable aside from the images I am capturing, and something I will remember long after my SF experience is forgotten.

The departure dates next year aren't set in stone yet but it can be as early as early spring or as late as mid-September. It all depends if I am able to sell my car and how long I need to wait till it's sold. Though I'll have a LOT of work in my apt, at least I'll be home finally and no more trips.

My Spain return will be so strange since first having a car in the late 70s, to be planning to be somewhere ~ anywhere ~ without a car! I've decided from my San Francisco experience to just rent cars when needed since I walk a lot and take the bus - public transportation is so much reasonable and reliable in Europe than it can ever be here. Plus the transport companies don't insult and yell at you as they do here.

While I am happy to get back to my own place, it leaves a lot of projects unfinished. Living with my sister has helped me - and I hope she feels I have helped her also - but it has left me with a giant repair bill in my spanish apt. I'll be busy for months! At least my apt will finally get finished to how I wanted it from when I first moved in, plus I have a few ideas and personal projects I'll begin in the hopes of moving air around in my apt, to prevent the huge heat problem I have during the summers. This year my little town has been hitting 90s and 100s on a regular basis for some weeks, something that has never happened while I was there 15 years till the very last two years prior to departing ~ I guess the sad reality of global warming is striking home.

My departure plans have also changed; I originally planned to bus to the East Coast and stay with friends before I fly out but as a traveler of the very mean and dangerous Greyhound buses (crazee drivers and corporate Greyhound doesn't care), plus the pleasure of being within ghetto bus stations in this grand country, I've decided not to subject myself to that demeaning dangerous and last ugly look at America - I want my last weeks to be nice and positive.... thanks Greyhound for opening my eyes to your careless drivers and sloppy operations, though if not for those dirty windows, I would've never seen a section of americana that I only see and hear about on CNNi and the evening news.

I am now hoping to fly out of California on a "comfortable" cargo plane to the East Coast, then make my way somehow across that big pond to Spain. It won't be an easy nor reliable journey, but I've done it before and one last roller-coaster ride (hopefully) won't hurt!I need an out, an escape from this unreal virtual world... I'm dying each traffic jam at a time, and it's draining everything out of me. I'm only happy when I am on the road, but being on the road isn't so wonderful any longer. I need to fly... escape out of this mess... and live my own life alone. No more false lies about happiness in the future, no more dreams of being happy anywhere with anyone.

The faces that turn to grab you and lie are everywhere... I just want something static, alive, real and one way: unchanging. I need to just GO!!

ESCAPE south!!!!!

I've been gone a very long time stuck with computer work. I hate the computer work that's forcing me to sit at the monitor for so many hours non-stop. It seems that aside for small Bay Area trips, since I've returned from Eugene even sunsets is a fading memory! I am just too busy with the image archiving I've been doing the last year and especially the last few months. So I really need a break from the many hours in front of my monitor, and I planned an escape for a weekend... though it could have been a more comfortable trip.

Leaving the big City behind, I drove south with traffic seemingly building up due to the rush hour when I departed, but eventually giving way to smooth fluid traffic. After months and seemingly years of hearing everyone talk about the Big Sur area, I wanted to see whhy everyone speaks of the area with such excitement! To be honest, I was more impressed with the Spanish coast, and the Mendicino and Marin County coastline drives more than this! I'm sorry ~ though there were some great scenics, I just like the other visually-appealing drives instead as they offered more in my opinion. Everyone who has ridden with me in any car knows I love to drive curvy narrow cliffside roads and this was NO exception ~ when I reached the Big Sur area.

Friends had "warned" me about a very steep hill leading to the Big Sur area, but surprisingly I didn't see anything.... not one steep "plunge" at any point. I have been to Italy and their Sorrento cliff scenery and drive were more narrow and hair-raising than this! I must confess that contrary to rumors, I am not a car racer of any sort BUT I do know my car.... I don't use brakes that often driving these curves and if I do hit the brakes on a tight turn, it's probably because the slow car in front of me (there were many) is going toooo slow! Now it seems I even missed a waterfall in the Pfeiffer Burns State Park (Monterey County), but I had not read anything about this or any waterfall in any research I did before the trip, nor did anyone I know who has gone to the Big Sur area mentioned any waterfalls.

On the other hand I was able to see a California Mission finally! Carmel Mission is located off the busy streets and before this mission, I had already drove by another mission.... it was was well worth the stop there to enter and learn a bit of history.... and to see how those in the mission lived and worked. Open to the public is the Basilica of the Mission San Carlos Borromeo del Rio Carmelo, and it's a basilica worth seeing. As I walked through the area, preparations were being made for a wedding.... what a grand backdrop for a wedding and imagine: to be wed in a place founded in 1770!Okay, I do apologize to others who have been to the Big Sur area and think I do not appreciate the "beauty" of the lovely drive and scenery, and I do admit: it was! But - and a very big BUT - I truly believe I have seen better and "worst".

hahahahaahaa

Do YOU like being in a car that's holding on to the curves and twists and turns of a narrow mountaintop road? Enjoy the feel of a vehicle that is "one with the road" whether down- or uphill? Come join me for a ride and see how often I tap my brakes - if I do at all - driving downhill on narrow and tight curves.... with the ocean on one side and the cliffs and rocks on the other!

For the night I slept in the back of my car with a sleeping bag I haven't seen or used since I left Eugene.... car camping wasn't comfortable at all and I now wonder if the years are beating me up? I usually stop for the night at a rest area with plenty of trucks but on HWY 1 on the coast, there doesn't seem to be room for a rest area let alone any safe-looking spots where I could park, and sleep safely and silently. For the very first time in my short life, I "checked" in at a RV park and was surprised by its size and facilities!! wow!! Before bedding down for the night was able to see reddish-pink clouds at sunset through the trees to keep me happy!! ;-)

I avoided the Hearst Castle like a plague... it's located high upon a mountain with its own road and entrance, though it can be seen from the highway and that's where I snapped a pix.... I don't really need to see luxury and nicely-kept grounds after spending a night in the back of my car!! Am sure the elephant seals I saw later were more exciting and interesting than the castle though am sure a few of y'all would disagree with me.

Almost a year ago friends in Wisconsin told me about the drive to Big Sur and even described a stop before reaching the famous Bixby Bridge. They also told me of a very steep drive before reaching this very bridge but I didn't experience any drop in pressure or attitude and wonder if this could be something old and now replaced with a new road as the highway during this section seemed new and recently paved. I've seen steeper hills in SF!!

When I reached the bridge the fog was coming in thick toward the tops of the coastal mountain range. Back-tracking I did find the vantage point mentioned by my friends, and was lucky the fog had disappeared. The sky was full of nice clouds though it was several hours too early for the sunset unfortunately, and I was not about to wait around. I had decided to bypass HWY 1 and take HWY 101, discovering later the highway was packed of cars and delayed the trip but still, I had a good time.

live without them: EYEs {Final seQuel}

I haven’t written about my vision in some months so allow me to expand on the condition of my eyes. I still cannot believe it’s been over 10 months since my eyes were improved through the application of the wavefront PRK procedure. I elected this procedure as I wanted the ability of looking through camera viewfinders.

Of course, I had fears..... many fears! At one time in my life, I had the best eyes in my family; then I grew up and due to bad habits around the television and drawing in near pitch-black rooms, my eyesight simply deteriorates till I needed glasses, and began wearing glasses when I was about 15 till last year. All glasses I've ever wore/used were of the photogray type, darkening in sunlight and clearing indoors. I have never used ever clear glasses and can never understand how others can buy just clear glasses for outdoors. Now glassless, I've been in bright sunlight without sunglasses and am blinded by how bright it is out there! WoW!!

if I lost my Vision ~ could I see such delights?

I used all the post-operative medication and followed all instructions to the “T”, me who short-cuts everything. I never follow anything to the letter till now and with my so-important eyes. After all, my vision is probably the most necessary item contributing to my photography, aside from my mind. I’ve know several people who have had the lasik procedure, even in Spain, and when I decided on my surgery, asked them and they just wished me luck and not one advisory or cautious word. I researched the procedure online and talked to others who have had the procedure done, and they didn’t say anything negative about their procedure except for the halo effect afterwards.

Without my eyes, how could I possibly capture this cloudy sunset?

Little by little my eyes has improved and am confident it will improve even more in the weeks to come. I expected this and discovered my poor night vision was so bad that driving at night due was out of the question almost immediately for the first three months after the procedure, but it’s improved now to the point I don’t even think of it. I use little signs and scenes seen everyday to judge my vision healing process, and it’s so improved since those earlier months. One first test each day is a small digital clock located with a black background, about 11 feet from my bed. When I started with my new eyes, I couldn’t see the bright thin digits indicating the time. Each day as I wake, this was and is the first thing when I start my day and eventually the last object I see at the end of the day. During the day I can see it perfectly, but as the light disappeared and dark dominated, I discovered I couldn’t see the numbers against the dark background. In daylight, it’s perfect but come night, I could not distinguish the numbers sharply. Starting at about the fifth post-op month, the numbers started to be slowly clear and become sharper. Today – as it has been for a few weeks now – it’s been so perfect. Sharp in the daylight and remaining sharp throughout the day till night and beyond!

It’s amazing how eyes play such an important role in one’s life. Unless one loses their sight, one cannot take something so simple and taken for granted as is breathing, but it is so important that without it one is more than “blind”, and I shutter to think what if…..

I can now see and read a USA corner street sign from about half a block away. In some cities such as SF where supplemental GREEN street signs are added in addition to the normal signs, I can see these green signs as far as a block away. I can easily read speed limit signs on freeways, highways and streets as far as a block away depending on my vehicle speed. hahahaaa I cannot wait till I return to southern Spain where the tiny antique street signs are located on the corners on the building/home walls. Much smaller than here, that will be a real test!!

Highway informational signs in blue, green and brown I can read as far as three truck lengths away, depending on truck length. Billboards on and off the highways, painted on city downtown buildings or atop roofs, I can see clearly from blocks away depending on size.

My sight is great and I know it will continue to slowly improve and give me even better vision than last week and last month. My biggest fear of this whole event was my possibly losing my eyesight, or even ending up with poorer vision than I originally had with the glasses. Can you imagine me, who lives behind the viewfinder, without sight?

I looove living and seeing without glasses! Now I’ve purchased sunglasses to shade my eyes against that brightness…. Life is very cool without those “other” glasses!!!
How can I possibly enjoy the color, the flash of lights, and the wonder of fireworks if not for my Vision?

Update 29 July 2019: Well,, all things must come to an end. About three years ago while in Spain, I had an situation while on the street where my left eye apparently did not work correctly. I had just crossed a very busy street, turned left on the sidewalk and after a few steps, in my left eye I start THREE of everything! Luckily, I had reached a corner, and there was a street sign, which I walked slowly to and held on for dear life! I closed my eyes and blinked a few times, but the condition remained. Leaning against the post now, I closed my left eye and found my right eye was still good. Closed the right eye and the condition was still there in threes. After a few minutes, both eyes were back to normal again but it did scare the film outa me! Luckily, there was an office off the street where I knew the people. I went there immediately while my vision was "normal". I explained my situation to my office friend and asked to use their bathroom so I could splash water into my eyes, and to check for anything in my eye that may be causing this. A few splashes was nice as it was a hot day in southern Spain, but nothing visible in the eye, but the vision was still good. I thanked my friend and continued home, and since that scary blind event, it has NOT occurred again. A few months later, I found an old pair of glasses and started wearing them again. My "new" fixed eyes weren't as they were before, and I had to wear glasses again. Before I departed Spain, I had actually found an old pair of glasses in my Rota apartment that worked quite well enough, and worn those till I got a new pair while visiting San Francisco in late 2016, and again another new pair of glasses on a new prescription, just a few weeks ago in western New York (WNY). Strangely but with little surprise, I was told my left eye is close to blind while my right eye is still good and correctable. Now with a NEW update pair of glasses I am able to see a lot of wildlife that Sheila would point out to me but I couldn't see, and would miss entirely! It was kind of my sister to get me new eyes, and they did last for several years, but at least I DO have eyes that function, and I can wear glasses to correct my vision.

again to Eugene

Over two weeks ago I returned from a long and tiring five-day trip to Oregon again. Two days were actually spent in Eugene shooting some great friends and families, then left Eugene Monday morning at about

5am, driving to gorgeous Crater Lake a final time as I think I won’t be able to see it again due to the packing and readying for my return to Spain next year. I had a bit of self-inflicted food-poisoning which made the latter portion of my return even worst, though I didn't know it was due to my reusing coffee cups obtained during the SF to Eugene portion. So much for future trips being green and reusing disposable cups!

Driving in Eugene is sooo easy and carefree, not like the hassle and rush in the Bay Area. It was wonderful seeing all the tree-lined streets, which I think one takes for granted. There are many streets in SF full of trees but it’s just one of many – but when one drives the Eugene streets and thorough-ways, trees are on practically every street! I think it’s a very soothing effect on a driver…. The other thing I enjoyed seeing is the Christmas snowflakes effect the tree pollen gives one…. And just as big as a flake in a heavy snowfall!!

Saturday morning I had a family shoot and also another family session Sunday afternoon in Amazon Park, then a private session Sunday morning. Photography is something I love as it allows me to see uniquely the surrounding world to create new visions – perhaps that’s half the source of my problems as I have to be always living in front of a small monitor to organize, edit and archive my image files. There is something wrong with this equation and though this is the normal progression of photography, I know I was not born to stay cooped up within a dwelling no matter where I am, looking at the small screen to organize and view images, nor to contact others. This isn’t the life I expect nor want it to be, and soon after I return to Spain, I’ll revert back to film….

Regardless, it was great to be in Eugene again, and to finally see an end to most of the I-5 road work that was going on all the months I spent there. The people of Eugene should be proud of what they have there…. I am always happy to let people know I used to be a Eugene resident and wish I were still! I went by my old neighborhood, and saw the little garage cottage where I lived. It looked empty though there was a new couple who both smoke living in the main house.

I was again surprised to see a few business closures, typical during these hard times but I thought they were going strong after seeing them late last year when I was in Eugene last. Though the homeless scene is just as obvious in Eugene as it is in San Francisco,

Crater Lake was a blast, with wispy clouds later appearing to my surprise, then I decided to get to the east side of the lake to prevent lens flare by not shooting into the sun. There was snow at the lake, and I soon discovered the east side closed due to this large amount of snow! So, I drove back to the northern side and continued taking pictures. Fortunately by time I returned, the sun had risen higher and allowed me more latitude in getting the shots I wanted. I even climbed to some deserted spots to which I’ve never been previously.

Leaving Crater Lake I drove on HWY 199 south toward the Californian coast. I was hoping to get some shots of the Oregon coast too, but that wasn’t to be. Instead it was the Californian coast I saw first and I wasn’t happy at all till I noticed the city had a lighthouse. Everyone knows I like lighthouses!! Ha! It's amazing that on my GPS the California borderline showed up as a non-descriptive thick black line! Right as I crossed the border I saw out of the corner of my eye a sign welcoming me back to my home state! Amazingly, the weather in Oregon this day was nice, warm and sunny and as soon as I crossed the border headed south, instead of sun it was immediately overcast and coooold!! What gives!?! wow!!I was also tired enough to stop to look at the tall redwoods again, and that is something that always keeps me in awe as I look skyward to see the heights of these beautiful trees.

Since my return I've been working on the trip image files plus others created before I departed. The files just add up and accumulates in more sitting and more monitor work for me. I would have never thought my passion for photography would be affected by the post-work that follows creating an image: the endless hours of viewing each and every image, deleting or maintaining a file, organizing everything then archiving the massive amounts of files later. While I am happy to have such great images from the trip, I am so disappointed that my life now has been reduced to 100hrs a day computer work which distracts from the pleasure in my recent past when all I had was a darkroom and that was all I needed. In those days, I would shoot film all day, then spend hours in the darkroom during the cooler night, the breeze coming in through an open window being a welcome break in the darkness....

Those days are gone…. for now.

Sometimes.....

It amazes me constantly. Having attended a wedding recently, I am always reminded of the unique and constantly changing moods of Man. How an individual can change so much, to show great compassion or hatred... to be so tender in some moments and then display brute force in another. Oh, I am not referring at all to the wedding - but as a general statement of my observances of Man.

Being ex-military (there... I've said it!) and having crossed this world a few times, plus having had the opportunity to live in difference places in my life, I've seen more than what the normal individual should be allowed to see and experience. That I have worked positions of physical security has exposed me to even more.... of course a normal citizen shouldn't be thrust into such levels of revelation... and while I don't enjoy seeing the sad face of Mankind, it is also a very interesting story and performance.

As a photographer, I have seen even more.... is it possible? I have captured many faces... virtually and real, construed to be real and posed to appear real. I've seen nice people act mean, and mean people who seemed incapable of feeling emotion, but cried like a baby. I have worked alongside those who seemed physically incapable of great feats of strength and in the time with them, noted that they surpassed their physical limitations in a positive way. Bossy people without a kind word would show a rare and in-depth side of themselves that surprised me... while shy and kind folks shocked me by acting out the opposite sides of their personalities.

The human side of Man is such a constant; it is no wonder that throughout the ages Man is and will always be the subject of many words and film performances.

Though I have been honored to have been able to associate with very kind and generous people during my lifetime, I have also seen my share of stupid acts of immaturity ~ age in my opinion, does not improve the level of intelligence, but only serves as a constant reminder that the old can be foolish and childish, and the young can oftentimes be more mature than their elders.

One does not have to be a certain age or having some vast experience in anything, in order to make a fool of themselves. Nor does it pertain to just one gender over the other, but of course my observations are not exactly approved by the members of most of the Earth's population.

Life is a roller coaster of emotions, experiences, trying times and beautiful moments however rare. It gives me wonder often, and also saddens me to the point of tears. I see the homeless and the rich, and think of such constants - what if they were to be traded in positions and homes for just one year? I have laughed at the maturity of tiny six-year olds, and in awe by the foolishness of 40-year olds. I have seen and felt the compassion of complete strangers and the wrath of "friends" who left me by the wayside.

Life is the best reality anyone can have. There is a world beyond our computer monitors and the tiny animated screen in the living rooms of the world. To live and rejoice in its color, its pleasures, the sadness, and the wonder of this Reality is more than anyone can ask. There is NO script, no lights but that glorious sunlight a few trillion miles away....

Let's bask in its warmth, its cold, its compassion and its hatred.... solely because it is Life, and it's the only one to lead us along our Destiny to the fin of the book, the end of the movie, the final commercial, and to our last pages....

Life has its times good and bad ~ we all know how it goes. It's sadness that bring misery to our hearts but without the heartache, how can we appreciate the good times, the pleasures and the joy? Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom in order to realize the climb back to the top can be one of joy too.

And when you reach the top, rest your body and take in the view.... I'll be there to enjoy it with you.