Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I always think.....

... that someone somewhere is having the last laugh on me.... or is it actually having the last laugh on us?be my wingman,
and I'll be yours
I was told when I first arrived to live permanently in Spain almost two decades ago that I would never make big money with my photography, something I perfected over the previous two decades while in the Navy. Through pushing my photography and working some very long and hard hours, I soon had a lot of business. What's long hours? At that time I still shot my own bulk-loaded film - never had enough money to buy pre-loaded store-front film. I would shoot up to four individuals a day, then spend all night developing the film, drying it and having the contact sheets to show all four. Yes, to show them their contacts the very next day! If I shot in the morning, I'd show them the contacts the next afternoon. If I shot them in the morning, if my schedule wasn't very busy, I could even work my butt off and show them their contacts that very same night!

Granted, I didn't sleep much but I never sleep much. I see sleep as lost time - I never needed more than a few hours even as a kid. Plus I liked doing the processing and printing in my darkroom during the night, so I could leave windows open... the fan is blowing and it was much cooler during those hot spanish summers.

I made quite a few bucks/pesetas in those early days. I later proved the person who told me I'd never make money in photography, then everything started to fall apart. Now I can count the pennies I earn - if that at all - in years.... I sometimes think a homeless person on the street gets more change than I do in a year.

People don't realize that an artist feeds off society. That society now hates me is proof why I am not making any money with my camera. Life hates me so much that even my cameras breaks when I should be broken, and it pains me immensely to have a broken camera and because I have no money, it's hard to think: I need a new lens but how do I get it?

When that passion gets the worst of an artist, soon it turns to self-pity and soon after: suicide. I have gone through all of it, even to be abandoned by people who know me, people who called me their best friend, and by people who wanted me dead. If you want to be truly miserably depressed, be someone alone who lives without friends.... that is one nightmare I wouldn't wish my enemies, and believe me I have a lot of enemies!

But oftentimes, I wonder what my purpose in Life is, if I have any purpose at all. I started typing thinking to put up a few pixs recently captured, but instead it has turned out to be a revelation of worth (or worthlessness), passion and compassion, and dam scared of my future. I know I am moving back to Spain, well-knowing it was STuPiD of me to even leave in the first place. I didn't have the money to support any of these decisions or directions taken, and here I am again in that position of what am I going to do?

Life is endless, but so is misery, death, and doubt. If you know an artist, support that artist or you might be seeing blood sooner than you think. Art needs to be cultured, appreciated and shared, and it seems we all do so little of it in our lives.

Here's a few pixs taken within the last few weeks.... yes, I am copying image files seemingly without end. I've been doing this for over a year now, bit by bit trying to reach my goal of finishing it before I leave San Francisco and am back in my apartment (piso) in Spain.

Everywhere I have gone to live, people told me I would be very successful with my photography and in my life, when in reality it bombed worst than before.... I wish someone would predict I will die, so I can begin living!
sometimes the things we should see,
are the things we don't see throughout
our whole lives

it only takes a second to see
appreciate the wonders we miss each day

don't ask nor hesitate, just take a seat

do it, and do it well and someone will notice

there's always light at the end of the tunnel

forward, always forward through the chaos
what are YOU looking at?